Like many others, I have been on both sides of the caregiver conundrum. I have cared for chronically and severely ill individuals and I have been very ill and in need of care myself. I do not write this piece from a position of the all-knowing, but from experience where many things were done right where other things could have been done a little better.:)
Taking care of yourself when you are not well is very difficult. In fact it can sometimes be absolutely impossible to take the measures necessary to re-build your body, re-balance your nervous system and correct deficiencies by yourself when you are not feeling well.
Few of us live in communities where support is readily available when it is needed.
Caring for someone with a brain disorder or mental condition has it’s own set of challenges. It is hard to understand how an individual can seem better one day and worse the next. ‘Ups and downs’, are challenging for both the caregiver and the person who is unwell. It is difficult to ‘measure’ how much someone is suffering when we don’t have, obvious physical signs, lab reports or other diagnostics that help to identify the severity of an illness.
Caring For The Caregiver
What to expect:
- Caring for a sick friend or relative can be very difficult. Helping someone with a chronic illness is complicated with many emotional ups and downs – rarely does someone gradually get better each and every day without having bad moments and debilitating setbacks.
- Each individual is unique. Symptoms of a mental health disorder can range from distress, poor memory, brain fog, insomnia, exhaustion, overwhelm, emotionally flat, agitation, low libido….
- The individual who is not well can suffer from grief, by experiencing loss of the life they once had. The caregiver can also experience grief, because they no longer experience the same freedom either.
Grief is complicated, filled with unexpected emotions such as anger, guilt and self pity mixed in with overwhelm and sadness. Understanding that all of these emotions are ‘healthy’ reactions can help both the caregiver and person being cared for to not feel as if they are going out of their minds.
- Inflammation in the body can be at the root of a mental illness, caused by food sensitivities, toxic exposure, and/or stress.
- Basic lifestyle interventions involving diet, supplementation and reducing toxic exposures have repeatedly been shown to work – with few, if any, negative side effects.
- Many people want to help, but simply don’t know what to do. Their failed attempts often result in frustration, anger and pull back. Leaving the ailing individual isolated and alone.
‘A top-reported cause of depression-related stress and anxiety
are the feelings of being isolated and alone.’
Kelly Brogan, MSc MD
Some tips of what NOT to do:
- Do NOT avoid sharing with others that you are caring for someone.
This is particularly prevalent amongst men, who often don’t feel comfortable sharing with others that they are caring for someone at home. It is healthy for you to confide in someone that this is going on in your life.
- Do NOT go on pretending that your life has not changed.
The caregiver needs time to grieve the loss of the life they once had.
- Do NOT attempt to be the invincible caregiver.
The caregiver will have ‘bad days’ too – days where you really don’t want to be caring for anyone else. You may feel guilty if these feelings arise now and then. No-one can keep up with giving 100% of the time. Cut yourself some slack and take pride and comfort in knowing that you are doing the best you can, and that you too are only human.
- Try NOT to feel reluctant to share your challenges with the person you are caring for.
By opening up and sharing with the person you are caring for you are giving them the opportunity to help support you a little too. This can result in not only you getting some support, but the person you’re caring for will feel as though they are contributing to the relationship as well.
- Try NOT to isolate yourself, even if the person you are caring for his housebound. Try and get a friend or family member to step in and help for a day or several hours. If this is not possible, try looking into community programs for some kind of respite support.
Self-Care Tips For The Caregiver
- Taking a break from caregiving and setting boundaries can be challenging. If you don’t know anyone in your community, look on-line for respite services in the area. As a caregiver you need to take care of yourself – if not you will not be able to care for anyone else.
- Set actionable steps. Depending on the situation these steps could include taking a half-hour break once a week or once a day. Or walk three times a week for 10 minutes.
- Before visiting someone who is unwell, try and take a moment to breathe deep and centre yourself. Listening to someone who has very dark thoughts and is complaining of feeling awful can be very hard and could bring you down if you let it.
- Ask for help. Others may think you have everything under control and not realize that you are in need of a break.
- Eat well – if you are helping to prepare food for someone who is not well, be sure to indulge in it yourself. This will help your body not become depleted from the added stress in your life.
- Integrating a body/mind/spirit practice into your life is very helpful at a time like this. Anything from a simple breathing exercise, guided meditation (see below) or taking an epsom salt bath or enjoying a cup of chamomile tea can help relax the body and restore energy for the next day.
- Be honest and share how difficult caregiving can be.
The most striking research finding is a tendency for the partner’s quality
of life to be worse than that of the patient.
Tips For Being A Better Caregiver And Making Caregiving Easier
HAVE PATIENCE
Patience really is a virtue especially when it comes to caregiving. There will be times when you don’t think you can go on giving. Try not to take it out on the person you are caring for. Following through with self-care such as breathing, meditating, going for a walk and eating well are especially important at a time like this.
GET EDUCATED
Learn everything you can about your loved one’s health condition. This will help you to provide the best care possible. Knowledge is power, it can give you the courage you need at this difficult time.
REMEMBER THE PERSON INSIDE
You may notice changes in the person you are caring for. Perhaps they no longer laugh as easily, are forgetful or appear lazy or unmotivated. They may recognize this change in themselves, which as you can image must be scary and frustrating. These negative emotions can manifest themselves in unusual or difficult behaviours, such as yelling or refusing to speak. Try your best to remember the person inside that you are caring for, how they used to be and hopefully how they will be in the future.
APPROACH IT FROM THE HEART
This is an important job! If you do it from the heart you will no doubt have a positive impact on the life of another. This should be something you want to do, not something you have to do.
BE RESPECTFUL
Even though the person you are caring for may be mentally impaired they still have an opinion. Someone who is unwell can still teach you important lessons about life and love. Try not to disregard their opinion – take time to consider their point of view.
BE SENSITIVE
Try and be sensitive to non-verbal cues. You would not want to miss a critical health problem or personal care need.
TRUST
Have faith in your ability to care for someone. No one is perfect. Just do your best. Some days will be better than others, for both you and the person you are caring for. Most importantly is to seek help when you think you need it. If there is no family available, there are community resources available across North America.
HAVE LIMITS / BOUNDARIES
Being a good caregiver does not mean you have to jump up every time you are called. If an issue is not urgent and you can’t get to it right away, acknowledge the request and tell them you’ll get to it as soon as you can. It is crucial that you set boundaries.
BE PRESENT
This is one of the things I really have to work at…
Try not to get caught up with an endless list of tasks. Take the time to walk away from your ‘to do’ list and really get a feel for how the individual is feeling. Spending time with the person you are caring for and enjoying their company is healing for both you and them.
COMMUNICATE WITH TOUCH
Giving a hug, holding a hand or patting on the arm can make a big difference, it can help someone feel reassured and secure.
BE NON-JUDGMENTAL
Remember that the person you are caring did not choose this… they have a strong desire to be independent and in control of their life. Try to put yourself in their shoes.
BEING A CAREGIVER REQUIRES TEAMWORK
Do not isolate yourself. Building a team of family, friends, community support workers and medical professionals is very important. Make sure everyone is educated and on the same page. This will ultimately make you a better caregiver.
People living with mental illness can experience stigma and misconceptions.
The most important thing you can do as a caregiver is to try and stay positive.
– Stay Hopeful –
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REFERENCES:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/make-caregiving-easier-141826.htm
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/improving-care.aspx
https://www.caregiver.org/taking-care-you-self-care-family-caregivers
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/improving-care.aspx
https://thecaregivernetwork.ca/practice-mindfulness/